Popular Cultures: Golden Girls as Golden Curds

If you threw a party…invited everyone you knew, you would see a great big cheese plate made by me, and the theme of that cheese plate would definitely be Golden Girls. (No really, I might actually do this. Who’s in for caftans and curds?) I’d argue that if ever there was an ensemble cast whose innate personalities translate perfectly to producing an ideal, well-balanced cheese assembly, it is indeed the Golden Girls: something sweet, something salty, something spicy, and something a little…sultry. A solid formula for a quartet of cheese selections, and the equation that results in the perfect ensemble chemistry of Rose Nylund, Dorothy Zbornak, Sophia Petrillo, and Blanche Devereaux.

It must be said that it would have been easy enough to propose a Golden Girls-themed cheese board composed simply of cheeses that actually share their names: Rose, Dorothy, Sophia, and Blanche are all represented among artisanal cheeses. There was surely also temptation here to assign each of them a cheesecake, which would also be a fitting tribute, as those familiar with the frequent contents of their Miami Beach-based refrigerator can attest. But these characters are nothing if not complex, and so here we give them the full Popular Cultures treatment, with thoughtfully considered spirit cheeses worthy of their depth.

Rose Nylund is Apricity

Rose Nylund and Apricity cheese — Rose Nylund is Apricity

With most of the Girls, there were several cheeses vying for the honor of being named in their stead, which I’ve outlined below, but for Rose Nylund, it had to be Apricity. A scant 2-hour drive from none other than Rose’s beloved hometown St. Olaf, Minnesota’s Alemar Cheese Company created this adorable cupcake of a cheese and named it for the notion of “the warmth of the sun in winter.” It’s Rose Nylund to a T: blonde, optimistic, and approachable, (and the most likely option here to be incorporated into cheesecake.) But Apricity and Rose both are more than meets the eye, and it’s not all sweetness and light. Slowly fermented and lactic-set with a geotrichum rind, Apricity can bring the funk, especially as it ages. (Fun fact: Betty White was originally considered for the role of Blanche, and Rue McClanahan for Rose, based on similar, previously played roles, until the director asked them to switch.)

Sophia Petrillo is Ragusano

Sophia Petrillo and Ragusano cheese — Sophia Petrillo is Ragusano

“Picture it: Sicily, 1922,” begins many a tale told by Sophia, recounting tall tales of herself as a young peasant girl, which always begin innocently enough and then invariably veer off to include an wild romp with a movie star or a brush with an international incident. As the mother among mothers of the group, Sophia’s wit is razor sharp and never held back, despite an alleged, recent stroke that is frequently invoked to explain her eccentric behavior. (Stroke or no, we suspect it’s a convenient excuse to do and say what she pleases.) A wolf in sheep’s clothing with more than a hint of nuttiness, Pecorino Siciliano, studded with pistachios, was an obvious choice here. But this was almost too easy, akin to just invoking a wrinkly cheese named Sophia. So we dig deeper into the Sicilian cheese canon for a real treasure befitting Sophia: Ragusano is raw, has clearly defined edges, and browns with age as it gets more and more spicy and savory.

Dorothy Zbornak is Gorgonzola Picante

Dorothy Zbornak and Gorgonzola Picante — Dorothy Zbornak is Gorgonzola Picante

As the only divorcée among the group, one could hardly fault Dorothy for being salty, especially since her husband left her after 38 years for a younger flight attendant named Chrissy. (Younger! Flight Attendant! Named Chrissy! It just keeps getting saltier and saltier!) Though she doesn’t reference it nearly as often, as the daughter of Sophia, Dorothy is also Italian, and so only the saltiest Italian cheeses were on the line here for the honor of becoming Dorothy. I strongly considered Parmigiano Reggiano. There was an obvious parallel, at least to me, between the stately structure of arguably the world’s most important cheese and Dorothy’s undeniable way with shoulder pads. But no. Because it’s not just salt that was needed for Dorothy, it was spice, and pepper, but with an underlying sweetness and something that should maybe be unlikeable, but decidedly isn’t. Gorgonzola Picante brings all of those things, plus an ultra-violet hue that can surely be likened to the radiance of Dorothy’s blue-gray, glorious mane.

Blanche Devereaux is Pimento Cheese

Blanche Devereaux and Pimento Cheese — Blanche Devereaux is Pimento Cheese

Southern belle Blanche has a way of absolutely oozing into a room. It’s not just the drawl, it’s the absolute embodiment of sensuality, like a bloomy rind puddle on the verge of becoming all creamline. Georgia’s Sweet Grass Dairy, with its obvious double-cream candidate Green Hill, has been oft-invoked in Popular Cultures: as a possible spirit cheese for Friends’ Rachel Green (for eponymous reasons) and as the winning personification of Taylor Swift’s country reverie Speak Now. (Sweet Grass Dairy just has a well-deserved monopoly on the rich, Southern, oozy cheese department.) On further consideration for Blanche, however, there’s another obvious candidate: pimento cheese. Classically southern and decadently rich with a touch of spice and…ahem…spreadability, pimento cheese, like Blanche, is at home at any party.